No More Family Home

It’s finally happened. The day the music died. 

My mum has finally sold the family home. Out of nowhere she, quite rudely, decided to sell the property she owns and is moving elsewhere, without a care for any of the hopeless layabouts who might live there. The nice new family are moving in on the 31st of October but I have a suspicion that they may find all is not quite right with their new home come Halloween night. 

It’ll play out like a classic horror. The dad insisting that this’ll be an amazing start for their family, waving away the mum’s concerns. But as they go to sleep that night, bangs and creeks in the night won’t just be the natural noises the house makes. A sinister presence will make itself known…

That’s right, in an effort to cling onto the home I should’ve moved out of years ago, I plan to haunt the new family out of the house. They should have read the fine print, I come with the purchase. I personally don’t mind the idea of being their new housemate and getting to know them, but I imagine they won’t be so keen. 

So instead, Home-Alone-style, I’m going to rig up TVs set to static, apply howling ghostly laughter, and leave blood-red messages all over. I’ve watched enough Scooby Doo, I should know how to do it at this point. On that show, it’s always the meddling kids who ruin the scam but I am the meddling kid so it should go off without a hitch. 

At this point, some of you might be wondering, “Wow, shouldn’t he put all this energy into finding a new place instead of terrorising a couple with a baby” and to those people I say: “Please let me stay with you…”


Dan has written for Objectively Funny and is the author of Country Bumpkin Blog. You can listen to his podcast, That’s Rich! wherever you get podcasts.

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