When someone dies…

What does one do when someone dies?
I ask the question because my father-in-law passed very recently in France. It’s always sad, but does it always have to be prolonged or devastating? 

It depends on religion, culture and one’s own ‘stuff’ that will inform how we grieve and for how long. Personally, I don’t use the word ‘death’; for me, it’s just a passing, a transformation, not unlike a plant that withers but it all goes back into the soil to make something else. In my view, nothing dies; it just transforms. These are just my spiritual beliefs, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t miss the person dreadfully, but I believe their spirit is always there.

We don’t often talk about death; it’s the last taboo. Sex, gender, abuse, etc, is more openly discussed now, but we tend not mention the ‘D’ word. I think a lot of it is due to our fears: “What next?”; “We don’t want to go there.” 

What I want to touch upon here, and it is just a ‘touch upon’, is one’s own stuff regarding death.

Often there is sadness – which, of course, is normal. Then there can be denial, anger and guilt as well as the various stages of grief. Sometimes people feel guilty if they ‘get over it’.

However, it’s not healthy when it’s prolonged grief (and I’ve known people hang on to it for years).

Often this is because it taps into something deeper. It may not be linked to another death but connected to another memory that activates these feelings. It can bring up intense emotions because it is something that has not been dealt with in the past, possibly deeply suppressed.

When this happens, as hard as it may be, if you face it and go through the pain of that old memory (preferably with a professional), you will be released. Working through that trauma will allow you to heal, grow, and free up your energy for a better future.

It can be like a re-birth when a person decides to go through this and let go of trauma, blame, victimhood, etc. Old energy holds us back in negative and disempowering patterns. It’s such a shame to live a limited life when we can be grateful for having had that person in our lives and remember the good things.

Denise Bosque D.Hyp, MBSCH, NLPMP, EMDR, LAR



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